Time is ticking
Earlier this week in the middle of night, I was laid in bed struggling to sleep because I was counting up how many months of my career break are already through, and worrying about what would happen after it’s over. My children started off in a very bad place when I first stopped working. The first six weeks of this break were in crisis mode. It was highly intense. The break was necessary and overdue.
The hardest part is… it’s working. The boys are doing a lot better – things are starting to get easier at home. They are achieving things I wouldn’t have been able to picture 2 months ago when everything had gone to pot. My elder son has been leaving the house, looking after himself more, regularly seeing friends. This sounds pretty normal for an 11-year-old but when he could hardly dress or leave the house not so long ago, it feels absolutely fantastic to see. My younger son is no longer having regular meltdowns, and is tolerating setbacks. This is a huge development compared to a couple of months ago when he was like a tinderbox.
Moreover, after months of very limited interaction – where my eldest son stays in his computer chair and avoids interacting with my youngest, the boys are actually playing with each other and enjoying each other’s company again. I couldn’t believe my eyes when it started to happen and it’s increasing as the weeks roll by. Amazing, truly.
This is the anguish of a temporary solution. I know it’s highly likely I’ll have to go back to work in 8.5 months. And then we may be faced with similar problems to those we started out with: the boys can’t attend school without significant impacts on their wellbeing, and they need supervision.
This consumes my thoughts, because I know this time is precious. I don’t know of any fully concrete plan that can work out when I have to return to my job. The stakes feel high. But precisely because the time is finite, I also don’t want to spend it worrying about this, because then I won’t be able to make the most of it. It’s a hard thing to achieve.
The quagmire of heatwaves over the past month or so has made it difficult to be present – getting out, planning activities all feels pretty difficult when it’s too hot to think. I’m deeply looking forward to our family holiday in a week’s time – where we’ll be enjoying cooler climes and, as is still very rare, enjoying time outsideof our own house. I’m not expecting it to go smoothly, but I am actually excited about this. Excitement for a holiday feels great after being in crisis mode for so long…
After this, I set my sights on making the most of the time without living in constant fear of this time ending, or being consumed by what happens next!