Since I left work to be with my sons while they recover from autistic burnout, the effects on my 11-year-old son haven’t entirely been what I’d expected. I’d really hoped that the impact of my increased availability would be entirely positive. However, what I’ve actually noticed is that he’s getting increasingly stressed by my bids to spend time with him and involve him in activities.
Being more accessible for him was one of the major reasons that I took a step back in the first place, and I was seriously worried that he spends much of his time alone at his computer (mercifully, in the living room – where he is at least in proximity to me much of the time). In recent months he’s been vocalising that he’s lonely, and I’ve wanted to increase the opportunities he has for connection with family and peers. Moreover, as the months tick by – my parental anxiety has been creeping up about the opportunities that he’s been missing. His peers are at a pivotal time in their lives where they’re reaching the end of primary school and they have new beginnings on the horizon, and this experience has been passing him by. I’ve been concerned that my work has been a blocker to improving his quality of life and supporting him fully.
Because of this concern, and since I’ve had the time available, I’ve been very frequently giving him the opportunity to come on short outings, join me in the garden, do something together at home – and more. I wanted him to know that even though he often may not want to join in, he is always welcome.
But the impression I’m getting is that this is not the message he is perceiving. The likelihood of him saying yes is becoming less. It may be that he is now associating time with me with pressure and my encouragement is pushing him backward and inward. This is not at all what I’d hoped! But I’m a fallible human with worries and sometimes these get the better of me, and shine through in my rush to bring him back into what resembles a more rounded life.
A couple of examples from the last week
I had taken my younger child to a home education trampolining session the week prior, and my eldest had opted not to come. This week, though, he showed a little more interest after learning of how quiet it was likely to be. Once the time rolled around, however, he had firmly changed his mind and decided not to go. Thoughts crossed my mind such as, ‘If he comes, he may really enjoy it and even meet others his own age!’. He’d been lonely and it felt important. I pushed. Several times. The wording may have been gentle, e.g. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to come?’ but my son became distressed, and asked me to stop forcing him to do things. His wording was quite telling about how my actions are being perceived. I made a short video I’d taken to show him the quietness of the venue after I got home, but that too made him upset likely because of the prior pressure I’d put on him.
Secondly, he had the opportunity to play some games with his cousin online. This is something he’s done often, but this time he resisted. I appealed to him a number of times (not wanting him to miss an opportunity), and he ended up distressed – stating he just doesn’t want any interactions.
An observation
The feeling (desperation?!) behind the words seems to matter more than whether I use tools like declarative language, and try to phrase things in a non-pushy way.
Where I think I’ve been going wrong
It’s not that there’s inherently wrong with inviting your child to join in with things, but with autistic burnout in the mix, it’s easy to forget how pressurising it can feel.
- What seems to be a particular problem is offering the same activity repeatedly when it’s something I’d really like him to join in with. Slightly lesser, but also a problem, is isolated offers for activities but at frequent intervals.
- I’ve been overlooking recent achievements he’s made without me pushing so hard, through a time where my invitations really were meant without expectation. He’s gone from hardly ever being able to leave the house to making semi-regular trips. At its peak, he has even managed two days out at a soft play centre which would have been absolutely unimaginable a few months prior to that.
- I’ve been overlooking the bigger picture of his capacity. The day before he said no to playing online with his cousin, he had spent a long afternoon at a friend’s house (which again is an amazing achievement compared to what would have been managed a few months ago), and had just been told about a tutor that was coming to the home the following day (which he was really distressed about).
What I’m going to try going forwards
I’ve told my son I can see that my invitations are causing him stress. So I’ve made it clear that he is always welcome whenever I do anything, but I’m not going to keep verbally asking him to come. I’ve told him he can tell me he’d like to join in at any point.
I will stop repeating the same invitation, and try to offer things genuinely without obligation, then (try and!) be patient and see if his distress reduces over time.
My career break isn’t going to cause an immediate increase in his capacity, recovery can take a long, long time, and I need to take expectations at his own pace.
Not forgetting the good stuff
To buck the trend, there was a day last week where he did want to spend more time with me (which I discussed in my post ‘Balancing Two Boys’). This turns out to have been an anomaly rather than the norm – but is nonetheless nice to have experienced. As also mentioned previously, he’s managed a a trip to a friend’s house, and in the past month – two trips to soft play which amazed me at the time. I will hang onto this on the tricky days!