As my children are starting to recover from burnout, they are beginning to need more from me, and not less. Significantly more. I am incredibly glad to be facing this issue fundamentally, and on other hand it is the hardest work I have ever done in my life. It doesn’t feel like run of the mill parent-child time that’s required of me. It feels high-stakes, where I need to be constantly on, and leaving the room for even a minute has a cost.
What it’s been like with my youngest
This is nothing new for my youngest son has required an extremely high degree of parental engagement for a few months now. More so than he has at any other point in his life, including when he was a toddler. He requires attention and stimulation throughout the day and becomes destabilised when he isn’t getting parental involvement. There aren’t really any reliable breaks and his levels of apparent energy continue to amaze me, but they are sadly not paired with low capacity from him. He continues to experience high levels of dysregulation, and I suspect this hyperactive phase is part of his burnout recovery.
Changes emerging with my eldest
What’s (thankfully) changed recently, is that my eldest son is becoming less withdrawn and this week he has been wanting more engagement from me. I am delighted about this, but the practicalities are proving a challenge. Often, what he most wants is to play a game with me – and this is something I’d really like to make plenty of time for. What makes it difficult is that my youngest son gets dysregulated by me spending time with my eldest, which can make for an impossible balancing act.
How the interactions between my sons have changed through months of burnout
One other unfortunate side-effect of burnout in our house is that my son’s once very close (although sometimes cantankerous!) relationship has become a lot more distant. My younger son has gotten used to doing activities without him because his energy levels have been a lot higher than his brother’s. As well, he has become anxious about my eldest’s distressed reactions while he’s been in burnout, which further leads him to resist his company. The result of this is that he isn’t terribly tolerant of me doing activities with his brother and him at the same time, and I have often had to focus on one of them at a time while the other of them is getting distressed.
It feels rather like playing a game in the style of wack-a-mole where you are having to extinguish items which keep spontaneously combusting.
What can I do about this?
I’m not expecting an outright solution because I think it’s fundamentally possible to provide everything they both need at all times. Hopefully though it’s realistic to aim for enough improvement to give everyone a higher proportion of what they need without it being unmanageable for me to give it.
One thing I’m considering that, even if I’m spending a huge proportion of my time engaged in activities with my youngest – this may not feel satisfying to him if he is requesting my time and I am agreeing (and he can probably pick up on my tiredness, even when I’m trying not to let it show). It’s possible there’s an element of connection seeking and needing to feel chosen. For this reason, I am wondering about coming to him with offers for connection rather than him having to ask me. I want to try and anticipate loneliness and boredom before he gets dysregulated.
Meanwhile I need to really safeguard time with my eldest, because my younger son’s dysregulation can make this hard to do. Come hell or high water I will prioritise bathing him on his own once per day and taking him out for some food once per week (which usually entails watching him eat a McDonalds or a Subway, and giving him time to talk!). But I would like to offer him more than this. I’m hoping that by filling up my youngest child’s tank with more proactive connection-giving, I can set aside a somewhat predictable slot in the day to do an activity of my eldest child’s choosing just with him. This is likely to be playing a PC game together, at this stage – as he doesn’t yet have huge capacity for going outside, or doing activities which are more involved.
Is there any way I can sustain all this?!
Somehow – I need to shoehorn in some alone time. I do head out for an activity for myself once per week, but it becomes increasingly important to microdose time to myself day to day where I can. I’m trying to do something very challenging, so it is bound to fail if I can’t find time to look out for myself.
As I’ve mentioned in my last post, this is especially important while I’m feeling extremely depleted by juggling work alongside meltdown management, school and EHCP difficulties, and autistic burnout in both children.
What specifics am I planning?
- Offer time outside with my youngest first thing after breakfast (garden or bike ride) before he has to ask (this is already something we’re doing, but the difference is I am going to try and be the instigator going forwards)
- Offer to play a game with my eldest at a roughly predictable time each day
- Have an offer of a more major outing on certain days of the week
- Identify times in the day where I can be alone and recharge. A couple of 10-20 minute slots make quite a major difference in terms of my maintenance.
Is anything missing?
There is one big piece of the puzzle which is making everything harder, and that is food. Both of my son’s diets are restricted at the moment. They are not tolerating many different types of food and this is often leading to hungry-but-unable-to-eat situations which drive a lot of upset and meltdowns. I can’t solve everything at once, but this will be something I try and problem solve very soon, because has been getting more necessary for a while now.